a 


NSENSE 

FOR  OLD  &yOUNG, 

By  Eugene  Field. 
idtedjbf  John  C,  Frohn. 

HENRYA.DICKERMAN  &SONf 
Publishers,  BOSTON. 


THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 
OF  CALIFORNIA 

LOS  ANGELES 


Eugene    Field. 


Nonsense 

FOR. 

Old  and  Young' 

By    EUGENE    FIELD 


Illustrated  by 
JOHN    C.     FROHN 


BOSTON 

Henry  A.  DicKerman  <&  Son 

PUBLISHERS 
M  CMI 


Henry  A. 

DicKerman 
A  Son. 


1  A  little  nonsense 

now  and  then, 
Is  relisHed  by 

the  best  o£  men." 

Oliver 

\»  -Wendell 

Holmes. 


PS 


A  Fore-word. 


N  compiling  this  volume  we  have   en- 
deavored to  add  pictorially  to  the  amuse- 
ment in  these  funny  conceits  from  Field's 
versatile  brain. 

The  majority  of  the  sketches  herein,  appeared 
in  the  Denver  Tribune,  under  the  title  of  The 
Tribune  Primer,  with  various  sub-titles,  begin- 
ning Monday,  Oct.  10,  1881,  and  ending  Monday, 
Dec.  19,  of  the  same  year.  The  entire  number 
of  these  quips  was  about  162,  of  which  94  were 
first  published  in  book  form  as  The  Tribune 
Primer,  in  1881.  The  balance,  with  the  excep- 
tion of  five  which  are  so  local  in  their  application 
that  they  have  now  lost  some  of  their  fine  sar- 
castic humor,  we  here  present  for  the  first  time 
with  illustrations. 

In  their  original  form  the  sketches  were 
designated  by  Roman  Numerals  instead  of  titles 
and  were  made  up  of  short  sentences,  with  a 
liberal  display  of  capital  letters  after  the  style 
of  first  lessons  in  reading  for  children. 

THE;  PUBLISHERS. 


Nonsense  for  Old  (SL  Yoting. 


One  Autumn  Nig'Ht. 

CAL,M,  delightful  autumn  night  ; 
A  moon's  mysterious,  misty  light ; 
A  maiden  at  her  window  height, 
In  proper  robe  of  fleecy  white. 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young. 


The  little  wicket  gate  ajar  ; 

A  lover  tripping  from  afar, 

With,  tuneful  voice  and  light  guitar, 

To  woo  his  radiant  guiding  star. 


The  lute  gave  forth  a  plaintive  twang- 
Oh,  how  that  doting  lover  sang  ! 
A  bull-dog  with  invidious  fang  — 
A  nip,  a  grip,  and  then  a  pang ! 


A  maiden  swooning  in  affright. 
A  lover  in  a  piteous  plight, 
A  canine  quivering  with  delight  — 
A  wild,  delirious  autumn  night ! 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young. 


A  Portrait  of  a.  Lady. 

we  have  a  Lady.     She  was  at  a 

Party  last  Night,  and  the 

Paper    spoke    of    her    as 

the  Amiable  and  Accom- 
plished   Wife  of    our  Respected 
Fellow   Citizen.     Our  Respected 
Fellow  Citizen  is  now  as  Full  as 
a  Tick,    and   his    Amiable    and 
Accomplished  Wife  is"  Walloping  him  with  the 
Rolling    Pin.     The    L,ady    seems    to   be   more 
Accomplished  than  Amiable. 


'Would  You? 

this  a  Picture  of  an  Actress  ?  No,  it 
is  a  Picture  of  a  Boodle 
Politician.  Is  it  not  Beau- 
tiful ?  The  left  Eye  is 
Closed.  It  must  be  Tired.  He  is 
Sitting  on  a  Barrel.  It  must  be  a 
Barrel  of  Jam.  Would  you  like 
to  get  your  Little  Hand  into  the 
Ban-el?  We  Would. 


12  Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young. 


Good  James  and  Naughty  Reginald. 

BNCB  upon  a  Time  there  was  a  Bad  boy 
whose  Name  was  Reginald  and  there 
was  a  Good  boy  whose  Name  was  James. 
Reginald  would  go  Fishing  when  his 
Mamma  told  him  Not  to,  and  he  Cut  off  the 
Cat's  Tail  with  the  Bread  Knife  one  Day,  and 
then  told   Mamma  the  Baby  had  Driven  it  in 
with  the  Rolling  Pin,  which  was  a  Lie.     James 
was  always  Obedient,    and  when  his  Mamma 
told  him  not  to  Help  an  old  Blind  Man  across 
the  street  or  Go  into  a  Dark  Room  where  the 
Boogies  were,  he  always  Did   What  She  said. 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young.  13 

That  is  why  they  Called  him  Good  James. 
Well,  by  and  by,  along  Came  Christmas. 
Mamma  said,  You  have  been  so  Bad,  my  son 
Reginald,  you  will  not  Get  any  Presents  from 
Santa  Claus  this  Year ;  but  you,  my  Son  James, 
will  get  Oodles  of  Presents,  because  you  have 
Been  Good.  Will  you  Believe  it,  Children, 
that  Bad  boy  Reginald  said  he  didn't  Care  a 
Darn  and  he  Kicked  three  Feet  of  Veneering  off 
the  Piano  just  for  Meanness.  Poor  James  was 
so  sorry  for  Reginald  that  he  cried  for  Half  an 
Hour  after  he  Went  to  Bed  that  Night.  Reginald 
lay  wide  Awake  until  he  saw  James  was  Asleep 
and  then  he  Said  if  these  people  think  they  can 
Fool  me,  they  are  Mistaken.  Just  then  Santa 
Claus  came  down  the  Chimney.  He  had  lots  of 
Pretty  Toys  in  a  Sack  on  his  Back.  Reginald 
shut  his  Eyes  and  Pretended  to  be  Asleep. 
Then  Santa  Claus  Said,  Reginald  is  Bad  and  I 
will  not  Put  any  nice  Things  in  his  Stocking. 
But  as  for  you,  James,  I  will  Fill  your  Stocking 
Plumb  full  of  Toys,  because  You  are  Good.  So 
Santa  Claus  went  to  Work  and  Put,  Oh  !  heaps 
and  Heaps  of  Goodies  in  James'  stocking  but 
not  a  Sign  of  a  Thing  in  Reginald's  stocking. 
And  then  he  Laughed  to  himself  and  Said,  I 
guess  Reginald  will  be  Sorry  to-morrow  because 
he  Was  so  Bad.  As  he  said  this  he  Crawled  up 
the  chimney  and  rode  off  in  his  Sleigh.  Now 
you  can  Bet  your  Boots  Reginald  was  no  Spring 
Chicken.  He  just  Got  right  Straight  out  of  Bed 
and  changed  all  those  Toys  and  Truck  from 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young. 


James'  stocking  into  his  own.  Santa  Claus  will 
Have  to  Sit  up  all  Night,  said  He,  when  he 
Expects  to  get  away  with  my  Baggage.  The 
next  morning  James  got  out  of  Bed  and  when 
He  had  Said  his  Prayers  he  Limped  over  to  his 
Stocking,  licking  his  chops  and  Carrying  his 
Head  as  High  as  a  Bull  going  through  a  Brush 
Fence.  But  when  he  found  there  was  Nothing 
in  his  stocking  and  that  Reginald's  Stocking  was 
as  Full  as  Papa  Is  when  he  comes  home  Late 
from  the  Office,  he  Sat  down  on  the  Floor  and 
began  to  Wonder  why  on  Earth  he  had  Been 
such  a  Good  boy.  Reginald  spent  a  Happy 
Christmas  and  James  was  very  Miserable.  After 
all,  Children,  it  Pays  to  be  Bad,  so  Long  as  you 
Combine  Intellect  with  Crime. 


His  Busy  Day. 

TlHIS  Man  is  very  Busy.  He  is  pushed 
I  for  Time.  He  looks  as  if 
he  had  more  on  his  Hands 
than  he  could  accom- 
plish. We  feel  Sorry  for  him. 
He  has  an  Important  Engage- 
ment to  Keep,  and  he  is  Hurry- 
ing up  Matters  to  Meet  it.  He  is  to  be  Hung 
at  Noon  to-morrow. 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young.  15 

THe  Joyful  Whirligig. 

HiB  is  a  Sewing  Machine.  It  was 
I  Made  for  little  Children  to 
play  with.  Put  your  Feet 
on  the  Treadles  and  Make 
the  Wheels  go  round  Fast.  See 
how  the  Thread  unwinds  and  the 
Needle  bobs  up  and  down  !  This 
is  Lots  of  Fun.  Do  not  Deny  baby 
the  privilege  of  Putting  his  Fat  little  Finger 
under  the  Needle.  It  will  Make  pretty  holes 
in  the  Finger  and  give  Baby  something  to 
occupy  his  Attention  for  a  Long  time. 


A  Fairy  Tale. 

RE  we  have  Papa's  watch.  There  is 
a  Fairy  in  the  Watch. 
Would  you  Like  to 
Hear  her  Sing?  If 
you  will  Drop  the  Watch 
on  the  Floor,  the  Fairy  in 
the  Watch  will  Sing  the 
Prettiest  little  Song  you  ever  'j 
Heard  and  all  the  Wheels 
will  Buzz  just  as  Funny  as  can  Be.  When 
papa  Comes  home  and  finds  the  Fairy  has  been 
Singing,  maybe  he  will  Ask  you  to  Step  out 
into  the  Woodshed  with  him  on  a  Matter  of 
Business. 


16 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young. 


An  EpitapK. 

lies  the  body  of  Mary  Ann 
Who  rests  in  the  bosom  of  Abraham. 
It's  all  very  nice  for  Mary  Ann, 
But  it's  mighty  tough  on  Abraham. 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young.  17 

Tne  Hustler  Hustling*. 

[AT  is  that  I  see  ?     That   my   Child, 
is    the    News   Interviewer, 
and  he   is   now   Interview- 
ing   a    Man.      But    where 

is  the  Man?     I  can  see   no   Man. 

The  Man,  my  Child   is  in  his 

Mind. 


TKe  Maid  of  Orleans. 

|ERE  is  a  Molasses   jug.      It  is  Full  of 

Molasses.        How 

many     Flies     are 

there  in  the  Mo- 
lasses ?  That  is  a  Hard 
one  to  Answer.  Those 

flies  will  lyook  Proud  spread  out  on  Sister 
Lucy's  buckwheat  Cakes  in  the  Morning.  But 
L,ucy  will  not  Care.  She  will  pick  them  out  of 
the  Molasses  with  her  Taper  Fingers,  and  Wipe 
them  on  the  Bottom  of  her  Chair.  But  if  her 
Beau  were  there  she  would  Yell  and  say,  Oh, 
how  Horrid.  The  strength  of  a  Woman's 
Stomach  depends  Largely  on  the  surroundings. 


iS 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young. 


Fancy  vs.  Fact. 

MiABEIv  is  sitting  at  the  Piano,  and  she  is 
I  Singing  a  Song.  The  Song  Says  he  is 
Waiting  for  Her  in  the  Gloaming. 
Mabel  appears  to  be  giving  herself  Dead 
Away.  He  is  Not  Waiting  for  her  In  the 
Gloaming  at  all.  He  has  just  Drawn  a  bobtail 
Flush,  and  he  is  Wondering  whether  he  had 
Better  Pull  out  or  stand  in  on  a  Bluff.  Mabel 
would  Touch  a  Responsive  Chord  in  his  Bosom 
if  she  were  to  Sing  take  Back  the  Hand  which 
thou  Gavest. 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young.  19 


Society  as  Reported. 

TirilS  is  a  Recherch6  Affair.  Recherche" 
I  Affairs  are  sometimes 
Met  with  in  Parlors 
and  Ball  Rooms  but 
more  Generally  in  the  Soci- 
ety Department  of  News- 
papers. A  Recherche1  Affair 
is  an  Affair  where  the  Society 
Editor  is  invited  to  the  Refreshment  Table. 
When  the  Society  Editor  is  told  his  Room  is 
Better  than  his  Company,  the  Affair  is  not 
Recherche. 


A  Musical  Genius. 

WIHO  is  the  Man?  The  Man  is  Admiral 
I  McLean  and  he  is  Get- 
ting Ready  to  Sing.  Can 
the  Admiral  Sing  ?  Those 
who  have  heard  him  Say  he  Can 
Not.  Has  he  ever  Sung  a  Song 
Through  ?  Nobody  can  Tell. 
Why  can  Nobody  Tell?  Be- 
cause every  Body  walks  Away  when  he 
Begins  for  to  Sing. 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young. 


THe  Nervy  Drummer. 

|S  this  a  Brass  Foundry  ?  No,  it  is  a 
Travelling  Man.  He  carries  big  Trunks 
all  over  the  Country  and  Makes  Love  to 
Dining  room  Girls.  He  has  Been  all 
Over  and  Under  Europe  and  Taken  in  all  the 
Great  Masters.  He  has  Scoured  the  Alps 
clean.  He  can  Tell  more  Smutty  Stories  than 
a  Politician,  and  he  can  get  Bilin'  slower  on 
More  Liquor  than  any  Government  official. 
The  best  Way  to  get  along  with  the  Travelling 
men  is  to  get  along  Without  them. 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young. 


Lunar  Lore. 


A  Satellite  is 


THE  Moon  is  a  Satellite. 
I  a  Sort  of  Associate 

Editor.     It  revolves 

around       Somebody 
Else  and  gets  full  on  Four 
Quarters.     The   Moon  is   a 
great  Way  from  the  Earth. 
It  would  Take  a  Street  Car 
16,000,000,239   years  to 
Make  the  Distance.     A  Snail  could  Make  it  in 
half  that  Time.     Break  a  piece  of  Glass  out  of 
Mamma's  mirror,  Smoke  it  over  the  I,amp,  and 
look  at  the  Moon  through  it. 


is 


TKe  Senator. 

$    we    have    a    Senator.      He 

Proud  Bird.     He  has 

been       Renominated 

and  he  is  Happy. 
And  who  is  the  Bird  with 
the  Senator  ?  It  is  one  of 
his  constituents.  Is  he 
Happy?  Yes,  he  too  is 
Happy  because  the  Senator 
is  Happy.  But  not  too  Happy.  Just  Happy 
Enough. 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young. 


A.  Colonial  Accident. 

ANDRfi  was  a  British  officer. 
Benedict  Arnold  hired  him  for  Four 
Dollars  a  day  to  go  as  Spy  into  the 
American  Camp  and  hear  the  News. 
He  carried  important  Papers  in  his  Boots,  and, 
upon  being  Arrested  by  the  Americans,  the 
Papers  were  found.  Then  they  said  they  would 
hang  him.  He  was  sorry  for  what  he  had  Done 
and  Said  he  was  going  to  Heaven.  He  fell  with 
a  Dull,  Sickening  Thud.  They  are  going  to 
Build  a  Monument  to  him,  not  because  he  did 
Wrong,  but  because  he  got  Caught. 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young. 


A  Natural  MistaRe. 

S  this  an   Ass?     No,  this  is  the  Editor 
of    a   paper   at    Cen- 
tral City.     Oh,  what 
a  Mistake  !     No,  my 

Child,    the    Mistake    was    a     '^§BUI(*a*&*(( 

Natural    one.      You     would 

not    Insult    an    Ass,    would 

you? 


Luminous 

S  this  a  nre?     No,  it  is  not  a  fire.     It 

is     the     Judge    of     the 

County     Court.       Why 

did  you  think  it  was  a 
fire  ?  Because  it  looked  so  Red. 
The  Judge  is  a  Nice  Man.  He 
writes  Articles  about  the  Gov- 
ernor. You  must  not  Mistake 
Him  for  a  Fire  again.  But  you  may  Compare 
him  with  the  Warm,  Sensuous  glow  of  a  Nea- 
politan Sunset. 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young. 


"Oft  in  tKe  Stilly  Nig'Ht.' 

»j  |ABY  and  I  in  the  weary  night 


Are  taking  a  walk  for  his  delight  ; 
I  drowsily  stumble  o'er  stool  and  chair 
And  clasp  the  babe  with  grim  despair, 
For  he's  got  the  colic 
And  paregoric 
Don't  seem  to  ease  my  squalling  heir. 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young.  25 


Baby  and  I  in  the  morning  gray 
Are  griping  and  squalling  and  walking  away  — 
The  fire's  gone  out  and  I  nearly  freeze  — 
There's  a  smell  of  peppermint  on  the  breeze. 

Then  Mamma  wakes 

And  baby  takes 
And  says,  "  Now  cook  the  breakfast,  please." 


A  Sad,  Sad  Stos-y. 

E  young  Man  is  Reading  a  Letter 
and  seems  Deeply  Agi- 
tated. Maybe  it  is  a 
Letter  from  his  Sweet- 
Heart,  and  she  has  Given  him 
the  Grand  Bounce.  How  his 
Breast  Heaves  and  how  his 
Heart  must  Throb  under  his 
Celluloid  Shirt  Front.  The  Letter  is  from 
His  Tailor.  Let  us  not  Invade  the  Secrecy 
of  the  poor  Young  man's  Grief. 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young. 


S 


Fashion  Notes. 

JPPERS    should    be    worn    High    on 

Bad     little     Boys     this 

Winter. 


Fashionable  Corns  are  to  be 
Trimmed  with  Steel-Blue  Ra- 
zors this  Season. 


Red  Pepper  worn  on  Hot  Stoves  continues 
to  Create  quite  a  Sensation  in  the  Best  Social 
Circles. 


The  Chivalrous  Editor. 

TIS    is    an    Editorial    Writer.     He    is 
I  Writing    a     Thoughtful 

Piece     about     the     De- 

generacy   of     the    Age. 
He  talks   about    the    good    old 
Times  when   Men  were   Manly 
and     Youthful      Breasts     were 
Pregnant    with     Chivalry.      By 
and  by  he    Will  go  Home  and 
L,ick  his  wife  for  not  Cutting  up  enough  Cord 
Wood  for  the  kitchen  Fire  in  the  Morning,  and 
he  will  Spit    tobacco  all    over    his    daughter 
Esther's  new  silk  Gown. 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young.  27 

Easy  Mathematics. 

|F  you  are  good  at  addition,  put  down  a 
column  of  figures,  five  figures  in  a  row, 
and  the  sum  will  represent 
the    age    of     Clara   Louise 
Kellogg. 


Suppose  a  man  with  a  bottle 
of  whiskey  were  to  set  down 
the  bottle  and  carry  the  whiskey,  what  would 

the  result  be  ? 

^ 

If  one  gallon  of  coal  oil  will  blow  up  a  kitchen 
stove,  how  much  Kansas  City  gin  is  required  to 
make  a  man  feel  like  a  barn  afire  ? 


If  a  Pueblo  bed-bug  can  travel  seventy  rods 
in  one  hour,  when  there  is  nothing  ahead  to  en- 
courage him,  how  many  miles  will  he  travel  in 
ten  minutes  to  meet  a  fat  man  from  Cheyenne  ? 


A  Mean  Man. 

CHICAGO  Papa  is  so  Mean  he  Wont 
let  his  Little  Baby  have 
More  than  One  Measle 
at  a  time. 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young. 


THe  Office  Towel. 

this  a  Corner  Lot?  No  it  is  a  Towel. 
It  has  been  serving  an  Apprenticeship 
in  a  Printing  Office  for  the  past  Four 
Years.  The  horses  are  Dragging  it 
Away.  A  man  will  Take  an  Ax  and  Break  the 
Towel  into  Pieces  and  Boil  it  for  Soap  Grease. 
Then  he  will  sell  the  Towel  for  Tripe.  If  you 
find  a  Piece  of  Tripe  with  a  Monogram  in  one 
Corner,  you  may  Know  it  is  the  Towel. 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young. 


29 


Scandal  on  Foot. 

Wi±iAT  is  that  Walking  along  the  Street  ? 
I  That,  my  Son,  is  a  State 
Senator.  Will  you  not  Tell 
me  all  About  it?  No,  my 
Son,  you  are  too  Young  to  hear 
Scandal. 


Tne  Old  T.  D. 

S   it   a    Pipe?     Yes   it   is   Papa's    Pipe 

and  it    Has   not  been 

Cleaned  out  for  Four 

months.  It  is  full  of 
Ashes  and  Spit.  It  would 
not  Hurt  the  Pipe  if  you 
were  to  Take  several  good 
long  Sucks  at  it. 


3o  Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young. 


THe  Awful  Bugaboo. 

TJHERB  was  an  awful  Bugaboo 
I  Whose  Eyes  were  Red  and   Hair   was 

Blue; 
His  Teeth  were  Long   and  Sharp   and 

white 
And  he  went  Prowling  'round  at  Night. 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young.  31 

A  little  Girl  was  Tucked  in  Bed, 
A  pretty  Night  Cap  on  her  Head ; 
Her  Mamma  heard  her  Pleading  Say, 
"  Oh,  do  not  Take  the  Lamp  away  !  " 


But  Mamma  took  away  the  Lamp 
And  oh,  the  Room  was  Dark  and  Damp  ; 
The  little  Girl  was  Scared  to  Death  — 
She  did  not  Dare  to  Draw  her  Breath. 


And  all  at  Once  the  Bugaboo 

Came  Rattling  down  the  Chimney  Flue  ; 

He  Perched  upon  the  little  Bed 

And  scratched  the  Girl  until  she  bled. 


He  drank  the  Blood  and  Scratched  again- 
The  little  Girl  cried  out  in  Vain  — 
He  picked  Her  up  and  Off  he  Flew  — 
This  Naughty,  Naughty  Bugaboo  ! 


So,  children,  when  in  Bed  to-night, 
Do  n't  let  them  Take  away  the  Light, 
Or  else  the  Awful  Bugaboo 
May  come  and  Fly  away  with  You  ! 


32  Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young. 


The  National  Debt. 

we    have     a   Greenbacker. 

seems    Troubled    about 

Something.         He       is 

Troubled  about  the  Na- 
tional Debt.  He  is  Grieving 
because  the  Country  of  his 
Nativity  owes  one  Billion  Dol- 
lars. The  other  Man  around 
the  Corner  is  a  Grocery  Man.  He,  too,  is 
Troubled,  but  he  is  not  Worrying  about  the 
National  Debt.  Oh,  no.  He  is  Worrying  about 
the  one  Dollar  and  Forty  cents  the  Greenbacker 
owes  him. 


Johnny's  Alphabet. 

STANDS  for   Apple,   so  hard   and   so 

Green  — 
B  stands  for    Boy    who   is 

going  away  — 
C  stands  for  colic  that  Soon  will  be 

seen  — 

D  stands  for  Devil  that's  shortly  to 
pay. 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young.  33 

THANKSGIVING  TALES 

For     tHe     Profit     of     the      Nursery     Brigade. 


Tale  I  — Prolog. 

TJHIS  little  Boy  looks  as  if  he  had  On  his 
I  Father's  clothes.  Maybe  he  Has  not 
had  Anything  to  Eat  for  a  Month.  He 
is  Sitting  on  a  Stool.  He  is  Waiting 
for  Something.  His  hands  are  clasped  over  his 
Stomach.  Can  he  be  Waiting  for  his  Thanks- 
giving Dinner?  What  a  Queer  little  Boy  to 
Wait  so  Patiently  ?  If  he  were  to  Cry,  he 
would  get  his  Dinner  Sooner,  wouldn't  he  ? 


34  Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young. 


Tale  II  — Succulent  Soup. 

N  the  Tureen  there  are  two  Gallons  of 
Soup  and  Eleven  Cove  oysters.  Do  not 
Be  Afraid.  The  Soup  is  Pretty  Hot, 
but  it  will  not  Burn  you.  If  it  is  too 
Hot,  you  can  Spit  it  out  on  the  Carpet.  Do 
you  like  Cove  oysters  ?  They  are  Baby  oysters 
Taken  out  of  the  Shell  before  they  are  Hatched. 
Some  People  dry  them  and  use  them  for  Gun 
Wads.  They  are  [much  more  Digestible  than 
sole  leather. 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young.  35 


Tale   III  —  Tempting   TtirKey. 

a  Big  Fat  Turkey  it  is  !  It  must 
have  eaten  lots  of  Worms  and  Caterpil- 
lars  to  be  so  Fat.  It  is  stuffed  with  nice 
Stuffing  made  of  Old  Crusts  and  spoiled 
Biscuits.  The  Gravy  looks  Quite  Tempting. 
It  does  not  Look  like  Tobacco  Juice,  does  it  ? 
The  Innards  of  the  Turkey  have  been  Chopped 
up  and  are  in  the  Gravy.  Unless  the  Cook  was 
very  Careful  while  Chopping  up  the  Innards, 
there  is  a  Piece  of  her  Finger  in  the  Gravy,  too. 
Will  you  Try  some  of  the  Turkey?  Take  a 
Drum  Stick,  the  Pope's  Nose,  a  Side  Bone,  the 
Neck ,  some  of  the  Breast  and  the  Wishbone. 
If  that  is  not  Enough,  ask  Mamma  please  Can 
you  have  some  More. 


36  Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young. 


Tale  IV  — Various  Vegetables. 

T"HHE  vegetables  smell  good.  Two  or 
I  three  of  these  Onions  would  make  you 
Stronger.  Suppose  you  Try  some  of 
the  Turnip  and  Squash.  Pickled  Beets 
are  also  Good  to  Eat  just  before  going  to  Bed. 
The  mashed  Potato  is  healthy  when  There  are 
no  Potato  Bugs  in  it.  They  are  very  Plenty 
this  Year.  Will  you  put  Some  Jelly  on  Your 
Bread  ?  How  Mad  it  would  Make  your  Big  sis- 
ter Jennie  to  Tip  the  Jelly  over  in  her  lap. 
Suppose  you  Try  it  as  a  Joke. 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young. 


Tale  V  — Venerable  Venison. 

ERE  we  Have  Some  Venison.  It  may 
Taste  a  trifle  Venerable  for  it  has  been 
hanging  Up  in  the  Shed  for  Several 
Weeks.  But  Papa  says  it  is  not  Fly 
Blown,  and  Everything  Goes  on  Thanksgiving 
Day.  Once  the  Venison  was  a  little  Deer  and 
lived  in  the  Mountains.  A  man  Caught  it  and 
Hung  it  up  on  a  Tree  and  cut  its  poor  little 
Throat  and  let  it  Bleed  to  Death.  What  a  Bad 
Man.  Perhaps  the  Deer's  baby  deers  are  cry- 
ing for  their  Mamma  who  will  Never  come. 


38  Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young. 


Tale  VI  —  Peptonic  Pudding. 

T"lHE  Hired  Girl  is  bringing  on  the  Pud- 
I  ding  and  it  is  a  Daisy.  We  mean  the 
Pudding.  It  is  full  of  Plums.  Make 
Mamma  give  you  a  Big  Piece  of  the 
Pudding  with  Ever  so  many  Plums  in  it.  If 
we  Were  you,  we  would  Swallow  the  Plums 
whole  and  Then  they  will  stay  By  You  longer. 
When  you  have  Eaten  the  Pudding,  pick  your 
little  Dish  up  and  Drink  the  Sauce. 


Nonsense  fof  Old  and  Young.  39 


Tale  VII  — Painful  Pie. 

T1HERE  are  Three  Kinds  of  Pie  —  Cocoa- 
I  nut  Pie,  Lemon  Pie  and  Mince  Pie. 
They  are  the  Only  Kinds  of  Pie  little 
children  should  Eat.  You  will  do  Well 
to  Try  them  All.  As  much  Pie  as  Possible 
under  the  circumstances  would  be  Proper. 
The  best  way  to  Eat  Pie  is  to  Take  it  up  in 
your  Fingers.  This  is  Liable  to  make  Pretty 
little  Spots  on  your  Shirt  Front.  Do  you  sup- 
pose by  Trying  Hard  you  could  Slip  a  Piece  of 
the  Lemon  Pie  into  your  Pocket  to  Eat  after 
you  go  to  Bed  to-night. 


4o 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young. 


Tale  VII  —  Fretful  Fruit. 

what  Beautiful  fruit!  Apples, 
Oranges,  Bananas,  Grapes,  Pears  and 
Figs  !  Make  a  Grab  for  them  or  you 
May  not  Get  any.  Good  little  children 
Eat  grapes,  skin  and  all.  I  wonder  if  the  Figs 
have  Worms  in  them.  But  never  Mind  :  this  is 
no  Time  for  Questions.  Your  Mamma  says 
Orange  Juice  will  Stain  your  Frock,  but  it  Will 
Not.  What  Fun  it  would  be  to  Squirt  some 
Orange  Juice  in  the  Dear  Little  Baby's  Eyes  ! 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young. 


Tale  IX  — Innocent  Ice  Cream. 

HA,  here  Comes  the  Ice  Cream.  About 
two  Plates  apiece  will  be  Enough  for  the 
Children.  Ice  Cream  is  Funny  Stuff. 
You  eat  it  and  feel  it  in  your  Eye. 
When  you  have  Eaten  all  you  Want,  you  will 
Find  it  right  Jolly  to  Pick  the  Ice  Cream  up  in 
your  Fingers  and  Paddle  it  Around  in  your 
Tumbler  of  Water. 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young. 


Tale  X  — Nutritious  Nuts. 

IE  RE  we  Have  the  Nuts.     They  are  good 
for   Children.     Crack  them  with   your 
Teeth.     Be  sure  to  Drop  the  Shells  on 
the  Floor  for  the  Cat  to  Eat.     Do  not 
Forget  to  put  a  Good  Many  in  your  Pocket  for 
the  Poor  Ijttle  blind  Girl  who  Lives  around  the 
Corner. 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young. 


43 


Tale  XI  —  Wierd  and  Woful. 

T"lHIS  little  Boy  looks  too  Big  for  his 
I  Clothes.  He  must  have  been  Measured 
when  he  Had  the  Ague.  Mamma  will 
Have  to  take  off  His  Vest  with  a  But- 
ton Hook  to-night.  What  makes  the  Boy  so 
pale  ?  He  has  his  Hands  gathered  together  over 
his  Diaphragm.  Is  the  Boy  Sick  ?  The  Boy 
is  Sick.  Maybe  he  has  Swallowed  something 
that  does  not  Agree  with  Him. 


44 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young. 


Tale  XII     Enter  the  Diligent  Doctor. 

fTTTlHO   is    the    Man    coming    through   the 

[  W  I  Door  ?     He  is  the  Doctor.     This  is  the 

|  Worst  Symptom  of  the  Boy's  Illness  we 

have  Seen  yet.     How  can  the  Boy  get 

Well  now  ?     The  Doctor  asks  Mamma  how  the 

Boy  is.     Mamma  is  crying.     The  Doctor  says 

he  can  Fix  the  Boy. 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young. 


Tale  XIII      Exit  tKe  Beautiful  Boy. 

|HE  Doctor  has  Fixed  the  Boy. 


46 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young. 


Tale  XIV  — Epilog. 

Hi  we  have  a  Cemetery.  Can  you  see 
•  the  Little  grave  Stone  over  there  ?  It 
is  very  Cute.  There  must  be  a  Boy 
Planted  somewhere  Near  it.  Wouldn't 
you  I<ike  to  be  Planted  under  a  Cute  little  Stone 
like  That  ?  Unless  you  do  Justice  to  your 
Dinner  to-day  you  cannot  Hope  for  such  a 
Reward  of  Merit. 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young. 


47 


Beautiful  Hortense. 


MiISS    Hortense   is    working   a   Beautiful 
I  Piece  of  Embroidery.     It 


is  a  Motto  in  Green  and 

Gold.  It  asks  What  is 
Home  without  a  Mother.  When 
Miss  Hortense  gets  it  Done,  she 
will  Give  it  to  her  Beau,  who 
Tends  a  Dry  Goods  counter.  You 
cannot  see  Miss  Hortense 's  Mother.  She  is  in 
the  Back  Yard  doing  the  Week's  Washing. 
By  and  by  she  will  be  Bringing  in  Coal  for  the 
Parlor  Stove,  because  Miss  Hortense's  beau  is 
Coming  to-night. 


A  Toilet  Episode. 

AMMA'S  Tooth-brush  is  on  the  Bureau. 

Suppose   we    scrub 

out  the  Sink  with 

it.      Then   Mamma 
will  wonder  what  she  has 
Eaten  to  give  her  such  a 
Bad  Breath.     She  will  Think  the  Tooth-brush 
has  been  Sitting  up  with  a  Corpse. 


48  Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young. 


A  Terrible  Monster. 

O^,  what  an  awful  Sight !  It  is 
J  Editor  of  the  Colorado  Springs 
Gazette.  He  has  Long,  White 
Teeth  and  there  is  Blood  on 
his  gums.  He  is  a  Bad  Man  and  he 
has  just  Eaten  a  Poor  Little  Baby. 
He  is  trying  to  get  the  Capital  Re- 
moved. If  he  gets  the  Capital  Removed,  he 
will  Eat  a  Poor  Little  Baby  every  Day.  You 
must  Tell  your  Dear  Papa  not  to  vote  to  have 
the  Capital  Removed. 


Poor  Pussy* 

H^lERE    we  have    a   Dornick    and   a    Cat. 
I  The  Cat  is  Approaching  the 

Well.     She  thinks  there  is  a 

Mouse  there.  Suppose  we 
approach  the  well  with  the  Dor- 
nick.  There  is  no  Mouse  as  we 
Can  See.  Perhaps  the  Mouse  is 
at  the  Bottom  of  the  Well.  Let 
us  Hitch  the  Dornick  to  the  Cat 
and  Put  Them  in  the  Well.  Then  the  Cat  will 
not  Come  back  without  the  Mouse. 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young.  49 


A  FisK  Story. 

S^IEE  the  Fish.  The  Fish  is  a  Trout  and 
J  Breathes  through  his  Ears. 
He  lives  in  a  Brook  and  May 
be  if  you  try  you  can  Catch 
him.  Any  little  Boy  who  catches 
so  many  measles  ought  to  be  Able 
to  Catch  one  little  Fish.  The 
Trout  Weighs  four  Ounces,  but 
you  can  say  he  weighs  four  Pounds.  Do  not 
call  him  a  Speckled  Beauty  or  you  will  be  Shot. 
Eat  him,  Head,  Tail,  Inwards  and  All,  and  get 
a  little  Bone  in  your  Throat  if  you  Can. 


Beware. 

H,  children  you  Must  never  chew 

Tobacco  —  it  is  Awful ! 
The  Juice  will  Quickly  make 

You  sick, 

If   once   you   get  your  Maw 
Full. 

—  S,J.  Tilden. 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young. 


The  Vigilant  Cop. 

DO  not  Make  a  Noise  or  you  will  Wake 
the  Policeman !  He  is  Sitting  on  the 
Door  Step  asleep.  It  is  very  Hard  on 
Him  to  Have  to  Sleep  out  of  Doors  these 
Cold  Nights.  There  is  a  Bank  being  Robbed 
around  the  Corner  and  a  Woman  is  being  killed 
in  the  next  Block.  If  the  Policeman  Waked 
up,  he  might  Find  it  out  and  Arrest  somebody. 
Some  people  Believe  this  is  what  Policemen  are 
for,  but  the  Policemen  do  not  Think  so. 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young.  51 

Something  Doing. 

|S  this  a  Cemetery  ?     No,  it  is  a  Picture 

of  Pueblo  during  the 

Busy  Season.     Do  you 

see  the  Man  Patting 
the  Dog  on  the  Back  and 
Promising  him  a  Bone  if  he 
will  lie  Down  and  Go  to  Sleep 
again  ?  This  is  What  they 
Call  an  Intensely  Exciting  Sensation  in  Pueblo. 
The  Earth  is  going  to  Live  five  hundred  Million 
years  Longer,  and  Pueblo  expects  to  be  the 
State  Capital  before  the  End  of  that  Time. 
You  will  not  Live  to  see  it  the  Capital  —  or,  at 
least,  you  ought  to  Hope  Not. 


Poor  Little  Bennie. 

NNIE  is  Lying  in  the  Cradle  and  he  is 

Crying  because  Mam- 

ma  will  not  give  him 

the  Moon.  What  a 
Naughty  Mamma  not  to  Give 
her  little  Boy  the  Moon 
But  Mamma  does  not  care 
how  much  Bennie  Cries.  She 
has  a  Son,  and  the  Moon  can  go  to  Thunder. 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young. 


Our  Motor  Press. 

this  Not  a    Beautiful    steam    Press  ? 

The  Steam  is  Lying  Down 

on  the  Floor  taking  a  Nap. 

He  came  from  Africa  and 
is  Seventy  years  Old.     The  press 
Prints  Papers.      It   can   Print 
nine  hundred  papers  an  Hour. 
It  takes  One  hour  and  Forty 
Minutes  to  Print  the  Edition  of 
the   Paper.      The  paper  has   a   circulation  of 
Thirty-seven  Thousand.     The   Business  Man- 
ager says  So. 


Freedom  Defined. 

fTTTlHY  is  this  great  and   glorious   country  | 
I  W  I  called  America?     Prin- 
|j  cipally  because  that  is 
its    name.       Can     you 
bound  it  ?     No,  because   it   is 
a    republic    and    will    not    be 
be  bound. 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young.  53 


A  Political  Object  Lesson. 

you  see  that  Candidate  over  There ! 
He  is  standing  still.  He  is  a 
Democratic  Candidate.  If  he 
were  a  Republican  he  Would 
be  Running.  Democratic  Candidates 
are  not  real  Candidates.  They  can 
not  Run.  They  do  not  even  Walk. 
When  you  are  very  Tired  and  Want 
to  rest  you  ought  to  Become  a  Democratic 
Candidate. 


Honesty  on  tne  R.un. 

JF    a   poor    but    honest    voter    chases   a 

reformer  four    blocks    in 

ten     hours,     how     many 

blocks  will  he  have  to  go 
to  catch  him?  This  depends  al- 
together on  the  location  of  the 
Bank. 


54 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young. 


THe   TrtttK   About  tKe   Cherry  Tree. 

IHO  was  George  Washington  ?     He  was 


Mrs.  Washington's  little  Boy.  One  Day 
he  went  out  in  the  Orchard  and  got  the 
Hired  Man  to  chop  down  a  cherry  tree. 
"Who  has  done  this  Deed  ?"  asked  George's 
mother  that  Very  Afternoon.  There  was  Blood 
in  the  Old  Lady's  Eye.  In  order  not  to  get 
fired,  the  Hired  Man  gave  George  two  marbles 
and  a  Top  to  say  he  Did  it.  "  Mamma,"  said 
George,  "  I  cannot  Tell  a  lyie.  I  Done  it  with 
the  Ax."  Whereupon  his  Mother  compli- 
mented him  on  his  Truthfulness,  but  gave  him 
One  in  the  Neck  for  using  Bad  Grammar. 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young.   .  55 


An  Ode  to  a  Cat. 

HUNGRY  Cat  — 
A  foolish  Rat. 

A  lively  Run  — 

Exciting  Fun. 

Ferocious  Jaws  — 
Remorseless  Claws. 

A  dying  Squeal  — 

A  hearty  Meal. 

Alas,  poor  Rat ! 
O  happy  Cat ! 


Out!     Boogies! 

DID    you    ever    see    a    Bugaboo?       Ask 
J  Mamma  to   Blow    out 

the  Light  to-night  after 

you  Go  to  Bed  and  Let 
you  See  a   Bugaboo?     It  has 
a  Big  Voice  like  a  Bear,  and 
its   Claws    are    as    long   as   a 
Knife.       It     will     Bite    Good 
Little   Children    and  Run   off 
with  them  to  the  Cold  Dark  Woods  where  they 
can  Never  see  Mamma  any  More.     If  you  are 
Good,  Beware  of  Bugaboos. 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young. 


Hot  Air  vs.  Cold  Water. 

S1EE  the  Wind  Mill.  It  is  a  Pretty  Sight. 
I  It  has  Sails  that  go  Round  and  Round 
and  Make  a  Noise  like  the  Whirring  of 
a  bird's  wings.  The  Wind  Mill  Looks 
Sad.  It  has  had  Hard  Luck.  It  used  to  be  a 
Democratic  politician  and  Furnish  Enthusiasm 
for  Arapahoe  county  Campaigns.  But  Wind 
will  not  Run  a  Campaign  and  so  the  Wind  Mill 
lost  its  Job.  And  now  it  Stands  out  on  a  Bleak 
Prairie  and  Hauls  water  out  of  the  Cold,  hard 
Earth  for  a  living.  Any  Kind  of  Honest  Labor 
is  awful  rough  on  a  Democrat,  but  Having  Any- 
thing to  Do  with  Water  breaks  him  All  Up. 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young. 


57 


The  "Worried  Magnate. 

WJHO  is  the  old  man  I  see?  The  old 
I  man  is  a  Railroad 
Builder,  and  his 
brow  is  clouded. 
Why  is  his  brow  clouded  ? 
It  is  clouded  because  this  is 
Monday  and  he  cannot  build 
any  railroad  track.  Why  can 
he  not  build  railroad  track 
on  Monday  ?  Because  he  is  pious  and  remem- 
bers the  Sabbath  day  to  keep  everybody  he  can 
hire  wholly  —  busy.  He  only  builds  on  Sun- 
day. This  is  the  reason  he  is  so  much  respected 
in  saloons  and  other  mercantile  establishments. 


His  Day  of  Rest. 

S  this  a  Sunday  ?     Yes,  it  is  a  Sunday. 
How   Peaceful    and   Quiet 
it    is.      But    Who    is    the 
Man !     He  does  not  Look 


Peaceful.     He  is  a  reporter  and  he 

is  Swearing.       What  makes  him 

Swear  ?     Because  he  has  to  Work 

on    Sunday  ?      Oh,    no !      He    is 

Swearing  because  he  has  to  Break  the  Fourth 

Commandment.     It  is   a    sad    thing    to    be   a 

Reporter. 


Nonsense  for  Old  and  Young. 


The  Foxy  Compositor. 


But 


HiAS  the  Printer  tobacco  ?      He  has 
I  he  will  not  Tell  you  So. 

He  carries  it  in  the  Leg 

of  his  Boot  and  when  he 
wants  a  Chew  he  Sneaks  down 
in  the  Back  Alley  where  Nobody 
can  See  him.  When  he  Spits 
tobacco,  it  Sounds  like  a  Duck 
diving  in  the  Water.  The  prin- 
ter is  a  Queer  man.  He  is  a  Fickle  person. 
Sometimes  he  has  Ten  thousand  Ems  on  the 
string,  but  they  are  Always  his  Dupes.  If  you 
are  a  Printer,  Do  not  Be  a  Blacksmith  or  you 
will  get  Fired. 


'Tis    sad  — tHere's   an 

end  to   all  good 

things. 


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Jure  Cure  for  the  glues 

The  Funniest.BooK  in  Print. 


THE  TRIBUNE 
PRIMER 

BY  EUGENE  FIELD. 


WithongmalillustrationsbyJoHNC.ntoHN 

BOSTON, MASS. 

HENRYA.DICKERMAN&SON. 

PUBLISHERS  I9OO. 


It  won't  make 
a  horse  laugh 
because  it  wasn't 
written  for 
horses : — but  any 
person  who  can 
read  this  book 
through  without 
laughing  must 
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New  copyright 
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seen.  Original 

poster  cover  in  two  colors,  that  will  appeal  to  your 

bump  of  humor.     Price  50  cents  at  your  dealers,  or  of 

the  publishers 

Henry  A.  DicRerman  <a  Son 

55  Franklin  Street,  Boston,  Mass. 

N.  B.—A  handsome  POSTER  free  with  every  copy. 


A    SOFT    WORD 

FROM 
Robert    J.    Burdette 

REGARDING 

"What  Happened  to  Wiggles  wort  H  " 
# 

Abraham  Lincoln  once  said,  "God  must  love  plain 
people,  because  he  made  so  many  of  them."  Then 
humor  must  be  heaven  born,  because  it  glorifies  the 
commonplace. 

Mr.  Fuller's  humor  has  no  need  of  the  finger  post  of 
an  introduction.  His  manner  bears  no  stamp  save  that 
of  his  own  personality.  His  characters  introduce  them- 
selves as  old  friends,  who  try  to  surprise  us  by  thinly 
disguised  voices,  by  the  change  of  a  beard,  or  the  inno- 
cent assumption  of  ignorance  of  our  identity.  The 
people  concerning  whom  Mr.  Fuller  writes  in  these 
chronicles,  he  would  have  us  believe  dwell  in  Maine. 
But  I  knew  them  in  Illinois ;  you  have  them  in  New 
York  ;  they  are  your  neighbors  in  California.  We  re- 
cognize them  as  old  friends.  Some  busy  years  have 
separated  us ;  a  multitude  of  cares  have  swarmed  into 
our  lives  and  driven  them  out  of  our  thought,  and 
grateful  are  we  that  this  apostle  of  humor  suddenly 
turns  the  limelight  of  his  humor  upon  the  stage  of  this 
old  work-a-day  world  of  ours,  revealing  the  little  group 
of  actors  to  our  gaze  saying,  "  Did  you  ever  see  these 
people  before?"  And  our  ready,  happy  looks  of  glad 
and  instant  recognition  contradict  our  "No  we  never 
did"  that  goes  with  the  extended  hand  of  welcome 
greeting.  Into  his  book,  Mr.  Fuller  has  put  the  laugh- 
ter of  our  own  lives.  Our  highest  and  most  grateful 
appreciation  of  what  he  has  done,  will  be  to  take  the 
laughter  of  his  book  into  our  own  hearts. 

ROBERT  J.  BURDETTE. 

Cairo,  Egypt,  February  6,  1901. 


"WHat  Handsomely  bound  and  il- 

Happened  lustrated  with  several  full 

to  page  drawings.  It  will 

Wig'gleswortH  "  please  everyone  who  likes 

BY  W.  O.  good     innocent     humor. 

FULLER,  JR.  i2mo.  Gilt  Top.   Price  $1.50. 

HENRY     A.     DICKERMAN      A     SON, 

PUBLISHERS, 

55  FranKlin  Street,  Boston. 


Done  in 
types  «5l  pulled 
off  tne  press 
of 

Lotinsbery 
NicHols  A 
Wox-tH 
Company- 
Boston 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 

Los  Angeles 
This  book  is  DUE  on  the  last  date  stamped  below. 


REC'D  C.I 

OCt  "19 

NOVlc    I 


'SD2343    9/77 


3  1158  01020  522( 


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